Our Journey Through Grief
Though I am no expert, I do have to admit that I have read the book of Job several times recently. The first time I read Job I was looking for someone to commiserate with. The second I was searching for the answer to the question, What did I do to deserve this? The third time I was desperately trying to figure out if God was still God. The forth time through I began to understand my walk with the Lord in a whole new light. The fifth time I was certain that Job was written to heal my broken heart. I am a science teacher, a wife and a mom of three children one of whom busted through the pearly gates with a big grin on his face about a year an a half ago.
On February 21, 2002 my youngest son Aaron, was nearing three years old. He was an incredibly brilliant, adorable, happy little boy. On February 22nd my husband and I discovered him missing just moments after having seen him. Seconds later we found him floating in a neighbor`s landscape pond. He'd never wandered away from the perimeter of our house before. We were always very protective of this active, energized and curious toddler. The doctors worked for four hours before telling us there was nothing more they could do. A great crowd of our family, friends, and church family gathered at the hospital, many prayers were said in the hours of desperate struggle to save my son's life. Perhaps some of you can relate to that horrible hospital scene. Maybe some of you prayed those same prayers. And maybe some of you received the same answer, not at all what you were expecting,NO. I am so sorry, but No this child will not live. Perhaps you have faced a different kind of tragedy and yet you, like me were left struggling and hurting and questioning God's plan. Was this the same God you knew and loved? Did he still love you? Did you still love him? Why, why, why? Oh how I wished I had the time to walk you through all that I have gone through these past months that have turned unbelievably into nearly a year and a half now. There is nothing like tragedy and pain to pull you closer to the cross and closer to the heart of God.
I am relieved and in awe of God`s power to heal and restore my broken spirit. You cannot know how thankful I am for the training I have received throughout my Christian life and for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It does make a difference in how we respond to tragedy, suffering, and pain in our lives. This is not at all where I thought I would be today after having lost a child. If you had asked me before losing Aaron what I would do if I were to lose one of my children, I would have told you I would probably go insane. I think the most important message I can share with you is that you can endure any tragedy, even the loss a child with God by your side. With God all things are not only survivable but they can provide an opportunity for great spiritual growth but more importantly the difficult circumstances in our lives can also bring great glory to God. As I was preparing to share with you the perfect illustration of this fact came to mind.
For several years as a middle school teacher in Clinton we took our eighth grade students to the ropes course at Crowder Lake. It is a triangle shaped structure with metal cables stretching between three very tall poles. There are a variety of other structures designed to help you walk on the cables from pole to pole many feet above the ground. Of course everyone is given very specific instruction on the use of their harness and rope system to catch them should they fall.
The first year I went I wanted to be the first one in the harness and climbing the tower. I wasn`t scared after all they'd already proven the rope and harness system worked. Even if I did fall, no big deal. The man on the ground with the other end of the rope would gently lower me to the earth. I trusted the whole plan, until I looked down. There was no man at the end of my rope, it was one of my students. I noticed the guides at the course quickly but thoroughly instructing this young man on the fine art of how to catch me if I fell. Suddenly my confidence turned to terror. There was no turning back now. I shook and I gripped that rope with the strength of Sampson. I wobbled and tensed every muscle in my body and I never took my eyes on the kid on the other end of the rope. I talked to him all the way around. You got me now right? Are you paying attention? Hey! Show me again what you do if I fall. I'd like to say I made it all the way around that course but I didn't I fell, and at that point their was nothing I could do but trust the kid at the other end of the rope would to safely get me back to the ground. And he did. And I went right back up the tower to finish the course. At the end of the course I went right over to this fourteen-year-old kid and thanked him for catching me when I fell. He held my life in his hands. At the very least I might have been severely injured and we were warned that death could result from a fall from that height.
Would that all my tumbles were so simple. They haven`t been. On the afternoon of February 22nd 2002 I began a fall so sudden and so terrifying that I fully expected to hit the bottom at the very least I expected considerable damage, at one point I thought I would die, at another point I just wished I had, but surprisingly I found myself suspended in mid air secured by a pair of nail scarred hands.
You and I are on a great climb. The course is high, and the stakes higher. We took our first steps the day we claimed Christ as our personal Lord and Savior. He gave a harness in the form of the Holy Spirit. In our hands he placed a rope-his Word. Then the tragedy came, the illness, the death of a loved one, the spiritual fall, the pain caused by the sin of another. For a moment, which seems like forever, we tumbled wildly out of control. Disoriented. Dislodged. Falling. But then the rope tightened, the tumble ceased. We discovered that the harness was strong, the rope secure and in the hands of the very one who saved us before. He never promised the journey would be easy; in fact he warned us time and again that it would be very difficult. But Christ assured us he'd never, never leave us on this course alone. In times of tragedy in your life your family can`t save you, your friends cannot save you, even your church family can`t save you. You better make sure it`s Christ holding your rope.
I am wiser since this tragedy has occurred in my life. I have learned to take it more slowly to think more eternally, to search for my answers in the Word instead of within people, to surrender more fully. But most of all I have learned that life is not about me. God did not create me for my own comfort, pleasure or gratification. I exist to glorify God and spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. God is more interested in my Christian character than he is in my comfort and happiness on this earth. He is more interested in shaping me for eternity than protecting me from every hurt and disappointment while I tread this place that is not my real home. It is when I finally understood that, that the if onlys and why mes began to fade. If it seems as remarkable to you as it does to me, that I am standing here, spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy then you are seeing the true power and glory of God. That I can laugh and smile and find joy in life again is a true testimony of the mercy of the Lord. I was not healed by my own power; I was healed by the one who longs to heal you too.
As Christians we have a habit of laying aside the rope and harness when life seems to be just a walk in the park. That is a big mistake. God never said the Christian life would be a walk in the park. We do have this promise however.
This course we are on is short. We are rapidly nearing the end. So whatever you do don't quit! Your falls may be great. His strength is greater. You will make it. And when we get to the end of this course we will stand on the other side with all the others who dared to make the climb and we will be thanking the one who held the rope and we will be singingbr>
To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore? Amen.
You know, brothers and sisters in Christ, if it would have come down to all your lives or my child`s life that February day I would have let you die. I would have never given my child`s life for yours. But if I had, I certainly would be sorely disappointed if you never recognized the sacrifice I made for you. I would be watching your every move, your every decision and I would be angry every time you made poor choices. I would be devastated if you wasted your life pursuing wealth, or popularity, or things of this earth that mean nothing in eternity. I would be distraught over your lack of passion and dedication to the Lord. I would be sickened by your pretense and disillusioned by your broken promises. You would not ever measure up to my expectations if I had allowed my son`s death to save your life. And yet, there is someone that allowed his son to die for us, knowing full well that many of us would waste our lives in pursuit of meaningless things. He knew some of us would never even acknowledge what was sacrificed for us. This was not just any child, this was the child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And yet his heart was so heavy for your lost soul that he sacrificed his own son for you.
In the beginning I told you that one of my first questions for God was, What did I do to deserve this? I had been good, I was following Christ, and he had my attention, my soul, and my devotion. I was outraged with God, disillusioned, and I felt utterly abandoned. What had I done to deserve the death of my son? Job had the same question. He asked, implored and got angry with God for not providing and explanation. I was angry with God about that at first. I felt Job deserved an explanation. I felt I deserved and explanation. But through the cloud of pain and tears and self-pity rose the image of the cross. My Father gave up his own son, for me, knowing full well that I would never measure up. He knew I would disappoint him, anger him, and that I would never be worthy of his sacrifice. And yet he did it still for me and for you and for all those who will never acknowledge his gift. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve the death of his son? Jesus has secured me a place in Heaven where I will reunite with my son in spite of the fact that I will never earn it. Looking back now, I do not know what kind of explanation I was expecting. Even if God had told me the reason. Perhaps its just a simple as one of you sitting here needed to hear this message. I have learned to accept that God's plan is perfect and that mine is not. I learned that there is no explanation that I would accept for my son's death anyway. My question to you is What are you doing to deserve the death of Christ on the cross for you? The next time you are tempted to feel sorry for yourself and you want to cry out to God, What did I do to deserve this? Try rewording that question just a little bit and ask yourself What am I doing to deserve this? What am I willing to do to show the Lord that his son's death on the cross was worth it?. You see, someday this fallen world and all it's pain and sorrow will come to an end and all the people that you have lost who were in Christ will be restored to you. This course is short. The pain will end and suddenly it will be very clear to you what Christ did for you. What will you have done on earth to show him your gratitude, your thankfulness? All he asks for is your heart and your trust in him. What are you willing to do? Oh there are Christians throughout history who have endure much more pain and sorrow than you or I. Are you willing to allow God to use the difficult times in your life to bring hope and healing to someone else? Would you walk through the fire if he asked you to?
To God be the glory for the incredible healing that has taken place in my life for giving me the words to share with you for the Holy Spirit who took over my life and led me in the way that I should go those long horrible first weeks of my grief for those that have walked through this fire with me, for the peace that passes understanding, for his son whom he sacrificed for me that I might live with him and those I love in the Lord forever and ever. Amen.

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